Wish you were here
by Airenya
Summary: Eight years have passed since the war and now Byakuya has lost his lover, the most important person that he had. Can these empty rooms help him deal with his grief? Byakuya/Renji. Yaoi. Songfic. Angst. Character death.


Hi! It's my first English fanfic, and it's unbetaed, I've tried to write it in a clear language as best I could, but I'm not very used to write in English, so please tell me where the problems are XD

**Title:** Wish you were here**  
Author:** Airenya**  
Pairing:** Byakuya/Renji**  
Fandom:** Bleach  
**Song:** Wish you were here – Pink Floyd**  
Genre:** Angst/Comfort, Songfic**  
Rating:** T**  
Word count:** 4086**  
Disclaimer:** I obviously don't own bleach, nor this fabulous song. I'm just too lazy to start my English Training Experiment (aka "write fictions in English", such a mess) with a longer fiction. You can hunt me for this. Or not.**  
Warnings:** Yaoi, unbetaed, not native language, character death (mentioned), some angst.  
**Spoilers:** none, if you do not consider the SS Arc as a spoiler.  
**Summary: **_Eight years have passed since the war and now Byakuya has lost his lover, the most important person that he had. Can these empty rooms help him deal with his grief?_  
**Author's Note** (again?)**: **There's a very long flashback in here (about 1/3 of the whole thing °°"), is that nasty thing all written in italic. I could not help but put it. Sorry.

Enjoy.

* * *

Byakuya locked the door behind him and in one single moment all the weight he kept on his shoulders tore the mask from him, shattering it in a million pieces.  
Tears begin to fall from his tired eyes. His body shook with sobs as he fall on the ground and his hands grabbed raven hair flocks. Now that he was alone no longer had the strength to hide himself as always.

He still could not conceive that he had just given the final farewell to his lover. The man who had taught him how to live again after Hisana's death. The one he once despised, the one who had earned his respect for him with his stubbornness and hard work, the one who had conquered his heart with his simple love and pure devotion. One of very few people who could see beyond the stoic mask of a cold and severe nobleman and find his true being.

Byakuya knew that coming in _his_ house was a stupid thing to do, but could not help himself. He could feel the need to stay alone, he wanted to clear his mind, and, obviously, not the office nor his mansion could give him enough peace and time to think. He took a deep breath and rose his head, almost hoping to see the redhead jump out from one of the rooms.

"You would say I'm going insane, don't you?", he mumbled under a sad smile.

W ith all of his strength of will, Byakuya had managed to rise up from the ground and to regain some of his usually self-control.  
He went to the living room, taking of his scarf, his Haori, his gloves, his sword and his Kenseikan, and throwing them on a chair. Meanwhile he was trying to remember the faces of people who had attended to the obsequies. He knew that there were the highest ranks of all divisions and many other people that he did not even know, but the only person who he could remember clearly, was Rukia.  
Renji's sudden death was a heavy shock also for her.

Byakuya mechanically pulled the curtains at the window, obscuring the bright light of late morning.  
Then he took the saké bottle from a small shelf and stared to an odd tool on the corbel in the middle. He could almost see Renji fiddling with that thing. He said that it was a device that they used in the material world to listen to music.  
Byakuya smiled, a little less sadly. No matter how hard the redhead had tried to teach him how humans lived in the real world, he could barely understand a thing out of ten. Amongst them, was always Renji who had the best ability to adapt to new situations, and he surely admired him for this.  
Without thinking, he reached out to the CD player and pushed a button. Guitar chord began to vibrate in the small room.

He was barely able to find a clean cup and sat heavily on the couch. He slowly filled the bowl almost up to the edge and put the bottle on the ground. There was something soothing in that human music.  
His gaze rested on Renji's acoustic guitar leaning against the wall. He could almost see him playing. The redhead really loved to play that stringed thing, and recently had practised a lot on this song.

_So, so you think you can tell__  
Heaven from hell  
Blue skies from pain_

Byakuya stared at the smooth liquid in his cup. He really wasn't in the mood to make himself drunk, although for once he would have every damn right to do that. He just needed something to ease the pain in his chest.

The words of the song were echoing in his head. It was a really lovely song indeed, even for someone not very accustomed to modern music. A small sip of saké hit his throat and cleared his mind a little bit. He was here for a reason. The last few days were really hard to take. After the attack that had left his lover in a comatose state and the few days at his bedside only to see him die, his mind was gone in a real royal mess.  
Now he needed to put the things in the right order.

He drove out the image of the bandaged young man he knew so well.  
Looking back again at the guitar he managed to see him playing it, only a few nights before._  
What _was Renji for him?

Initially he simply_ wasn't_. He can't even remember that guy the day he adopted Rukia, he had not even thought that someone was somehow bound to her or that this could be noteworthy. They were Rukongai rats, they must be honored only to be able to see him.

Byakuya shook his head with a small sigh. He was really silly back then.  
Just after Hisana's departure, the pain he felt was so unbearable for him that he had found easier to close himself to everything was outside, ignoring the good of himself and of others, just to maintain somehow the promise he had made to her. He wasn't much different from a Hollow.  
He seemed to hear the hoarse voice of his Fukutaicho sound softly in his ears. '_Don't even try to put y'self back in that fuckin' shell, Byakuya, or I'll kick some sense in this stubborn head of your'._'  
A rare, genuine smile appeared on his tired face as he repeated aloud the reply he had given that time.  
"Surely I cannot compete with the stubbornness of your own, Renji, but you still have a long way to go before you can _kick_ anything into me." _But this was long after._

_Can you tell a green field  
From a cold steel rail?  
A smile from a veil?  
Do you think you can tell?_

Another sip of alcohol helped him to focus.  
He could not remember exactly what had pushed him to get the redhead as his lieutenant. He was a promising and strong fellow indeed, and he had been highly recommended, but he was also noisy, unruly and awkward. Up to the crucial stages of the conflict, Byakuya hadn't even noticed the high confidence Renji was able to built between him and the rest of the division. In a short time the youth had brought a little of the strong brotherhood that had always distinguished the Eleventh Division, also in his new Division, although his Captain wasn't very helpful in this.

He was proving to be more useful than expected, but always in his tedious way. Renji still feared the strength of his Captain and had better things to do than contradict him. At least until the charge of Rukia.  
Byakuya could still remember the anger in his veins as he learned about the battle between his Fukutaicho and that Ryoka.  
The strange feeling as he saw determination won on fear in those rusty eyes, when the two of them had fought each other. He wasn't angry anymore. They had to fight, the script that Aizen had wrote demanded it, but deep in his being, he was proud of this young man, getting up again after a nearly fatal assault.  
Byakuya was sure that he would also been able to forget many things around their first kiss, many months after that clash, but certainly he would never forget the look in those eyes during that battle.

_And did they get you to trade  
Your heroes for ghosts?  
Hot ashes for trees?  
Hot air for a cool breeze?  
Cold comfort for change?_

Something was changed in that fight. And some more in Fourth Division's barracks, after the breakaway of the traitors, when he awoke only to find the redhead ad his bedside. From that moment he knew he could trust him. He knew that behind the appearance of a loud, rebellious, clumsy subordinate there was a young man with all his inexperience, his wholehearted loyalty to justice and to his ideals, his will of live and also something else, something wild and heartening, which Byakuya could not even give a name.

At last all was changed by the end of the war. Renji was no longer a weight to bear in his division, nor only someone who keeps a look on your back on battlefields.  
Neither of them had realized how, but they have found to have a deeper connection than they ever thought possible. They were no longer opponents, nor the younger Shinigami was an almost invisible thing on his road.

He was his lover, he was his closest friend, he was the best subordinate who ever worked with him. He was so free and so attached to him at the same time. He was no longer afraid to debate for his own opinions, but he have never put his Division or his Captain in an embarrassing situation and if he had sometimes disobeyed the orders, even after discussing them with him, was only because he truly believed in doing the right thing to do.

_And did you exchange__  
A walk on part in the war  
For a lead role in a cage?_

He had become his world. And Byakuya had become the only one for Renji.  
They could lose themselves into each other and find everything they needed. Hours of carefree chatting, their trainings, the things that were taught each other, also the long hours of quiet office workings had become pleasurable. Even when their lovemaking was rough and wild or every time Renji dared to challenge him and they fought merciless, even then, all they could think about was the welfare for the other.  
They always ended with a laugh. Renji loved to see him laugh.

The redhead was almost strong enough to become a captain himself. In eight long years since the end of the war, his stubbornness had allowed him to learn a lot of things about strategy and the other things he initially lack, like Kido or Reiatsu tracking. He was going to become a strong and wise fighter and Byakuya was very proud of him. Although it would take many more years of practice for Renji to hope to defeat him on a fair duel, their swordplay sessions had become more and more challenging.  
Renji looked forward to the day when he would finally be able to defeat his Captain and lover and, silently, even Byakuya was waiting for that.

And then, like a bolt from the blue, one of those sick bastards was slipped in the Rukongai streets from nowhere and had began to slaughter innocent people just for fun. Renji was only the nearest Shinigami in that cursed place, out for a routine inspection. He had defended as many people as possible, without ever recoil from its position, but this had put him in a big trouble and had forced him to take the heaviest damage. Byakuya had arrived just in time to see the two fighters collapse on the ground, wounded and no able anymore to move.  
Renji, his Renji, wasn't clear anymore when he knelt down next to him.

That blasted Arrancar had taken him too early, too suddenly, too quickly. They have had no even the time for a last goodbye, nor a single kiss, before those auburn eyes of that wild beauty were shuttered down forever. The only thing he can clearly remember was red, all over the place. Blood and long crimson tufts scattered all over tattooed skin and tattered Shihakusho.

_How I wish, how I wish you were here__  
We're just two lost souls  
Swimming in a fish bowl  
Year after year_

T he passing of Hisana was unbearable slow, he had have the time to feel all the pain she felt and it was heartbreaking, but at least they had time to give each other vows and a proper farewell. Although the memory was still like a stab in his stomach, he was at least glad of that short time they have had together.

Renji was lucky enough to avoid most of the pain, and Byakuya was sure his love had died just like he hoped to die, proving his worth on the battlefield while he was doing what he had sworn to do, defend people. Byakuya was proud of that, but the pain he now felt in his chest was too burning, too sharp, too _alive_ for him to bear. He have had no time to build up his stoic façade against the world, to mask his inner emotions to the others.  
For most of the people out there he was still the cold, steady, motherfucker who does not even give a shit to anyone, and he did not care. But for those really close to him, those he _really_ cares about, he had become so much easy to read. Be treated as a person whom can have his weakness, from people like his sister, long time before would have bothered him, but now actually it made him feel alive and somewhat more important than he was for his qualification or his name.  
Renji had given to him something he had lost so many years before. The will to live his life with the others. He still needed his loneliness and the motionless façade, but he could also enjoy to be with someone whom he could trust and whom he could show his true face.

He knew that was a very selfish thought for him, but could not help but feel sick for not having had the chance to say goodbye to his Renji. Though he knew him too well to not know what his love would have want for him.

He swallowed the whole saké cup at once, then gave a deep sigh and sank himself on the couch.  
"What do you want to ask to me is not an easy task to run without you, do you know?", he whispered, staring to the ceiling.

_Running over the same old ground  
What have we found?  
The same old fears  
Wish you were here_

* * *

_A __slight trace of kisses ran across his spine, waking him gently. The light in the room was soft, suggesting that dawn was not so far away._ _Hungry kisses and luscious bites made him hard to contain himself._

"_What do you think you are doing back there, __Abarai-Fukutaicho?"  
"Let me guess, you don't like being caught asleep, am I wrong _Taicho_?", Renji asked defiantly, lifting his face from his back.  
A shudder ran through the back of Byakuya as the gorgeous burgundy hair mane made him tickle.  
"I couldn't help.", a low voice whispered softly in his ear.  
"You looked so delicious that I couldn't help but taste you.", another small kiss on his neck.  
The brunette enjoyed the sensation for a few moments, fondling the thought of leaving himself into his care, but then gave a deep sigh._

"_You better not __to try anything reckless, Fukutaicho. Today will be a tiring day for both of us. I expect the entire Sixth Division to act appropriately during the whole ceremony. This include you too, Abarai."  
"Jeez, you surely know how to cool any juicy climate when you want, don't you?", grumbled Renji, lying on his back next to him.  
"Is part of my duty as a Captain to make sure that my Lieutenant can do his work without falling asleep."  
"It's not my fault to the ceremonies to be so boring."  
"Are you going to defect?", asked Byakuya maliciously.  
"Can I?", the younger man inquired, with a little hope in his voice.  
"Of course not.", whispered the Captain, giving him a kiss before getting up.  
"You are so cruel, Byakuya.", he moaned, watching his lover putting on a nice silk robe.  
"I can't remember for you to be complained about this, last night." , the brunette replied with a soft smile.  
Renji blushed fiercely, unable to find a way to answer back before his lover went into the bathroom.  
"Man, sometimes he's just damn frightenin'.", the youth sighted, rubbing his neck._

_Shortly __after, they were sitting around the table, having breakfast.  
Byakuya indulged his glance between the black patterns and the tanned skin of the barely clothed chest in front of him, when a pensive voice brought him back to reality.  
"Do you think that Yamamoto wants this exhibition every year to prove something?",asked Renji, lost in his own thoughts.  
"I think it's a good thing to raise the mood of troops. Besides, show off strength of Gotei 13 could be a simple deterrent to any possible riots, and give due regards to war victims is an obligation, don't you think?"  
"I still think that all this fanfare is pointless. The war has been over for three years now, what's the meaning of showin' this circus around again?"  
"I guess that only you can find this as a useless thing.", Byakuya replied drily. _

_Renji __winced at tone of his voice, but he answered without hesitation.  
"Don't misunderstand my words, Byakuya. I don't mean this. Even I like to remember the end of that fuking nightmare, and surely I would never disrespect people who have died nor those who have survived, but I would prefer a less pompous way to do that. Who needs a whole damn day of parades and celebrations? A simple ceremony, a couple of friends and a bottle of liquor are more than enough for someone who wants to remember that mess. What need is there to scare new recruits to death?"  
"You think that scares them?", Byakuya asked curiously.  
"Sure! Y've never seen them listen to fabulous tales of war? They are scared like hell! Only a few Shinigami have seen those bastards on a battleground and even fewer were able to fight them in some way. The people here had no idea what was really happening, tell them that we have almost lost all of our sorry asses against three former Captains is not a very helpful way to encourage youths to become Shinigamis."_

_Renji looked very nervous about the topic.  
"Not to mention that we only won by a mere inch. And, though it may be annoying, you have to admit that much of the credit goes to a substitute Shinigami who has barely reached his majority.", he added, turning his gaze to him._

_Byakuya took a calm sip of tea__, with a placid gesture that was able to soothe the other man's burning mood.  
"I can understand what you are trying to say and I must admit that I can't be completely in discord with this, but you have to get ready now, Renji. We cannot be late, even if we find celebrations silly things to do."  
"I know.", he muttered gloomy._

_About ten minutes l__ater Byakuya stood to the window, admiring the sunrise against city skyline, ready to quit.  
"There's something wrong, Fukutaicho?", he asked mischievously, feeling his gaze onto him.  
"N-no. Not really.", the redhead managed to mutter, realizing he was staring at the nobleman.  
"You should know that I do not allow my subordinates to lie to me.", he replied, teasing him a little bit._

"_I was thinking about how some things were before the war, and__ then I saw that…", Renji suddenly stopped, unsure whether end up the sentence or not.  
"What did you see, Fukutaicho?", the older chased after him.  
"W-well…"  
The glance was unbearable, as if it could freeze him on the spot. Surely Byakuya knew how to make others to obey his orders, even silent ones._

_Obsidian eyes stares at him with __their curiosity well disguised, behind his cold-for-work-glance.  
"You were smiling.", he finally whispers.  
Byakuya's eyes widened and a little blush appeared on his cheeks.  
Strong hands reached out and cup gently his pale face, pushing him to look at the redhead's eyes._

"_You are so damn beautiful right now.__ You never smiled like that, before the end of the war. And I don't want you to close yourself another time in that little world of yours."  
Beautiful burgundy eyes were trying to melt his ice and leave him defenseless._

_Byakuya looked away.  
H__e was not accustomed to the direct attacks about his behavior that sometimes Renji threw to him. Even though he loved him also for his honestly, he wasn't yet able to completely open up to him._

_The noble pulled himself away, turning back toward the window.__  
Renji sighed softly, wondering if he had to keep on talking.  
"The way I think is better to me to behave, is none of your concerns, Abarai-Fukutaicho."  
"You know that is not the truth. Even a kid understands that people are affected by the behavior of others.", he replied instinctively._

_A Reiatsu flare, barely contained by Byakuya, warned __the redhead to not keep on.  
Renji blissfully ignored the warning and laid it on thick.  
"I saw the light in Rukia's eyes when you smiled in front of her like that, yesterday. I know you've noticed it too, and also that it has pleased you. She deserves it, Bya, she deserves to see your real yourself every now and then. People like her should, too. And you also need it, although you can't admit it."_

_Byakuya gave him __one of his most intimidating glance, but even that failed to halt him.  
"You should stop misconceive what I say. I don't want you to change yourself if you don't want to, I'm not saying you _must_ change or something, and God, I love to see your settled demeanor out of here, I find it really graceful and appeasing. You looks like a deadly beautiful flower and it thrills me a lot, I don't want to lose that part of you. I'm only saying that sometimes you might try to loosen up a bit. It would be also for your own good. Can you understand this?"_

_Byakuya' s mind went blank as his gaze traveled between roofs and sky. It was an hard bite for him to take, even if he kn__ew that Renji was telling him those things for his own sake and nothing more.  
He realized that since they were together, three years ago, they were helping each other to grow. Renji, aside the fight trainings, was becoming even more sharper, more composed and skillful in negotiations, which was proving a skill more difficult to deal with than Byakuya expected it to be. Renji was an hearty man and the only one who had only a few fears to speak openly to him, and he would never said something with so much strength, if he really did not believed it with all of his heart._

_Long arms embraced him tightly__ from behind, regaining his attention. A soft kiss rested gently on his neck and a beautiful, pacific voice whispers in his ear.  
"I know it. I know is hard for you to accept, and I don't mean that you have to give it a try so out of the blue, but there is a whole world of people out there and some of them really care a lot about you. Try to open up a little with them,_ _a bit 'at a time. Do it for me Bya. Will you try for me?"_

* * *

Byakuya's eyes suddenly opened, spreading faint tears across his cheeks.  
He would not expect to be able to dream, especially because that dream was a nice memory of Renji.

He was still lying on the couch and could feel his back ache a little. The light in the room, soft for the sundown, was still filtered by the curtains, and the recorder was turned off. He had only a few slept in days, but hadn't even notice to being so tired. Then something caught his attention.

He could sense traces of Rukia's Reiatsu, but she was no longer in the house. He managed to sit, when he noticed the soft blanket over him and some food on the near table. A smile came across his stretched lips, as he squeezed himself into his cover. He wasn't really hungry, but the feeling of not being completely alone was spreading a nice warmth through his weary limbs.  
Rukia was one of those people from whom he could not escape in this situation, and he was really grateful to her for this.

He took a deep breath and looked around, scanning objects and furnishings meticulously. At first sight the house seemed too empty without the redhead waffling around, but that small place to a trained eye could said all about Renji. His curiosity, his will to get better in everything he did, his strange taste for odd combinations (he himself was an odd combination of elements that together formed a gorgeous creature).  
The things they had in common and those that distinguished them.

Byakuya closed his eyes, and felt as if there was a warm glance of beautiful auburn eyes placed on him.  
For the first time in the whole week, he felt good, despite Renji was not really with him anymore.  
Now he knew. Renji would never go. He would always been his. He would always been with him, no matter what would happen.  
Although he wasn't here.

* * *

END

Phew, it was a venture! I really suck at tenses (or however you call them).  
I hope that it wasn't completely unreadable.  
Review if you want ^_^


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